Confessions

I hate having to ask for help. I always feel that now that I'm almost 32 {really? is my birthday really just over a week away?} that I should be able to take care of myself and my family. For the last week & a half, Ben & I have been down to one car. (Sometimes I really hate cars, but mostly just when they stop working.) Ben started his new job yesterday. {BIG YEAH!} But that job is in Tampa, which is almost an hour away. And he has to be at work at 6:45a. That means that I have to find a way to get to work and to get home from work on nights that he has class over in Tampa (like tonight). I'm having to ask friends for rides and it is killing me. I hate inconveniencing my friends. I even had to ask my boss today if I could borrow his truck next week while he is out of town so that I can make it in to work and take care of any errands for the office since I'm one of the few that will be in town for the week. I know that at the heart of it all it is because of pride.

Proverbs 29:23 ²³ One’s pride will bring him low,
but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.

And I feel like I am being brought low. It's affecting everything. My mood has been ornery at best. I find myself crying for the stupidest reasons. I've gotten angry at Ben for turning the car into a toolbox on wheels. I mean, seriously, where ELSE is he supposed to put his tools that he needs for work than in the vehicle that he is driving TO WORK. Work that he hasn't been able to go to for 7 weeks. I should be thrilled that the car is full of tools and that my husband is working. But no, I turn into Mrs. Snippy-pants and complain that I don't have a backseat.

Philippians 2:14-15 (ESV) ¹⁴ Do all things without grumbling or questioning, ¹⁵that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,

That one was one of our memory verses a few weeks ago. Talk about things coming back to bite you...

1 Peter 4:9 (ESV) ⁹ Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

I've done quite enough grumbling. I need to be thankful for my friends who have shown us their "hospitality without grumbling." I need to be able to admit my need for help. I am not self-sufficient.

2 Corinthians 3:4-5 (ESV) ⁴ Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. ⁵ Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,

And so I have something to work on. Dependence. It isn't a dirty word. It is a beautiful word. And here I thought that I had gotten pretty good at the whole "dependence" thing as we dealt with Ben being without a job! But here we are. He's peeled back another layer of the onion and there is my sin stinking up the place again.

Would you pray for me? Pray that I will be able to work through whatever it is that is keeping me from depending. Pray that I will continue more and more to lean on Him. That I will be able to admit my needs. That I will not be stubborn and think that "I can handle this myself." Pray that I will let myself be blessed by my friends. That I will not deny them the opportunity to be a blessing.

Thank you, friends.