Monday, September 4, 2006

the right questions ( apology...)

So, my attitude needs some work. Yesterday's post was pitiful. That's all that can really be said about it. I can't take it back, because that's how I felt. I was feeling hurt and humiliated yesterday. Should I have let it affect me as much as I did? Of course, I shouldn't have. Did I? Of course, I did. I can chalk it up to being a girl, but it goes deeper than that. It goes even deeper to the root of being human and flawed. Tonight I read several of my friend Kate's blogs, The Accidental Traveler, which I highly recommend to all of you. She is very insightful! She inspired me. She wrote a series of 3 blogs titled:"Jesus, tell me what I want." If that doesn't describe where I am, I don't know what does.

Apparently, it takes my hopes being taken to a very high place where things are looking promising and having them dropped from the top of that building, sent plummeting to the ground, in order to get to me to take my focus off of those hopes. Does that mean that I shouldn't have those hopes? No. Does it mean that I place too much value, time, and effort on those hopes? Absolutely. Would my time be better spent on something greater and more global? Now we're catching on!

My cry, my "motto," if you will, needs to become "Jesus, tell me what I want." I don't know what it is. I'm not anywhere close to knowing what it is. I know that He has placed a job opportunity in front of me that is looking very promising and tomorrow night I will find out if I have the job. This is a step in the right direction for me. This would free up my nights and weekends. I would have more time to spend in fellowship, which, to me, is ministry. Anything beyond that is a mystery to me. I don't know what it is that He has in store for me. I don't know where He is going to take me. That scares me. This has been a year of changes for me. Big changes. Life-altering changes. I am not the same person that I was one year ago. I am not the same person that I was six months ago. It's been five months since I broke up with Reagan. Five months since I decided that I was going to make Lakeland my home. Now, I don't know if Lakeland will be my home. I plan to stay here as long as He would have me stay here, but I don't know how long that will be.

Everything is relative to His Will. I know that He has a ministry for me. I know that I am being equipped for that ministry now. I am so thankful to be starting "Discipleship By Grace" with Ted and Tricia and the other girls from church. That doesn't tell me what He has for me, though. I can't even begin to fathom what it would be. Will it involve my love for music? Will it involve my love for kids? Will it involve my desire to travel? These are the questions that fill my head. These are the questions that should be driving me to find the answers. Why do I let them get pushed aside by the other questions, such as: Who will I marry? When will I get married? When will I get to be a mother? Those are all great questions, but should not be placed ahead of: What is my purpose and ministry while here on this earth?

All I have now are questions. I need to read and sleep and think some more on this. Stay tuned, my friends. I plan to delve further into this mystery of mine.

Grace & Peace

1 comment:

Geof F. Morris said...

Would it be, perhaps, that we need Jesus more to tell us what we need than what we want? The heart wants what it wants [and often, it wants sinful things], but the wants are rarely needs.

Yes, I'm semantically nit-picking in a time of frustration for you, but ... hm.

Keep on struggling.